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Post by *ech* on Dec 15, 2023 19:07:52 GMT 1
Terror attacks, climate change, war in Ukraine, Taylor Swift... The world is a harsh place. We need to alleviate the somber mood up in here (up in here). Hence this capital thread. I will tell you my favorite joke. You reply with yours. Let's make each other laugh out loud.
A little girl is sitting on a street bench, sobbing uncontrollably. An older gentleman stops and enquires: "Well, what's wrong there little girl? Why are you crying?" "My dog had a litter of puppies, but Mom said we couldn't keep them so she put them all in a bag and drowned them in the river behind our house" "Aw, that's awful sweetie. And you wanted to keep them all?" "Fuck no, I wanted to kill them myself!"
Hilarious. Your turn.
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Post by Aristocrat on Dec 15, 2023 20:38:25 GMT 1
Luke "Puffy" Combs
The Nobleman
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Post by Ron Burgunfeces on Dec 15, 2023 20:40:12 GMT 1
A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?" The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it." So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, "Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?" The first guy says, "Well, yeah. If you don't mind." The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I've run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it's like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, 'Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you three wishes.' "So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I'm covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that."
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, "And for my third wish, and this may be where I went wrong... I wished for a big orange head."
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Post by *ech* on Dec 15, 2023 20:45:24 GMT 1
Luke "Puffy" Combs
The Nobleman Still hilarious.
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Post by *ech* on Dec 15, 2023 20:46:38 GMT 1
A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?" The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it." So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, "Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?" The first guy says, "Well, yeah. If you don't mind." The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I've run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it's like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, 'Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you three wishes.' "So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I'm covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that."
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, "And for my third wish, and this may be where I went wrong... I wished for a big orange head." Big orange head.
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Post by Aristocrat on Dec 15, 2023 21:16:33 GMT 1
A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?" The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it." So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, "Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?" The first guy says, "Well, yeah. If you don't mind." The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I've run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it's like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, 'Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you three wishes.' "So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I'm covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that."
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, "And for my third wish, and this may be where I went wrong... I wished for a big orange head." Big orange head. Holy shit!! He asked for it!! LOL!!
The Nobleman
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Post by psychobolia on Dec 15, 2023 21:31:53 GMT 1
What's the difference between a rock and a dead Ukranian?
You can't sodomise the rock.
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Post by *ech* on Dec 15, 2023 21:36:22 GMT 1
Not with that attitude ya can't!
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grendel
Real-life Pokémon
Posts: 472
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Post by grendel on Dec 15, 2023 22:09:24 GMT 1
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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grendel
Real-life Pokémon
Posts: 472
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Post by grendel on Dec 15, 2023 22:11:49 GMT 1
What’s brown, smelly, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s first movement.
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Post by psychobolia on Dec 15, 2023 22:30:47 GMT 1
Why did Taylor Swift bring a ladder to the bar?
Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
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Post by Ron Burgunfeces on Dec 15, 2023 23:06:16 GMT 1
Why was Six afraid of Seven?
-Because Seven was a registered sex offender.
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Post by Ron Burgunfeces on Dec 15, 2023 23:08:13 GMT 1
Knock knock.
Who's There
To.
To who?
To whom.
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Post by Wealthy Animal Taylor on Dec 16, 2023 0:31:07 GMT 1
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."
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Post by Ron Burgunfeces on Dec 16, 2023 17:18:27 GMT 1
Question: What do you call a dumpy loser idiot who smells, has no friends, enjoys the smell (and sometimes taste) of his own feces, likes to stick the toilet plunger on his head and wear it as a hat, puts on adult diapers so he can urinate and defecate at random AND also because he likes the way he looks in them and buys men's skidmarked jockstraps over the internet with his spending money, and isnt smart and enjoys eating his own farts and is the board's bitch, and isnt welcome almost anywhere anymore due to his unpleasant personality and has gross verucca feet, and should shut the fuck up? What do you call that?
Answer: Hotsauce
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Post by Ron Burgunfeces on Dec 16, 2023 17:34:39 GMT 1
A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a dad, a mom, son, daughter and dog. The dad says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.” The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.” The father says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us. It's ruckus!” The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.” The show starts with the son and daughter playing with the dog. The dog is old and he`s missing all of his teeth, so the way they feed him is that he sucks off the son so long till the son cums and ejects his sperm into the dog`s mouth. The daughter is there to suck the son`s balls and his anus so that the son gets a little extra out of this feeding ritual as well.
After the dog is fed, the daughter gets down on all fours and licks off the dog`s saliva as the dog fucks her asshole. The house bitch comes up, singing the collected hits of KKs Priest. The second she sees the dynamic trio, she gets down on her knees and starts rubbing her old, wrinkled pussy. The daughter stops sucking her brother and moves over to her mom. She stands in front of her, pissing all over her mother`s face and naked breasts as the son fucks her in the ass. The dog is running around, licking the urine that drips all around and as the son`s cums in his sister`s ass, he crawls underneath them and licks the dripping anus.
The house bitch is now standing up and is dildo fucking her daughter from behind, as the son is fucking the house bitch in the ass. The dog is humping the son and they all move by the tune of “Mary had a little lamb“. Suddenly the son stops and grabs the mother by the throat, starting to choke her. She turns purple, then blue as her veins burst and her eyes pop out of their sockets. The daughter shrieks and runs away, only to be caught by the dad. He recently had a tetanus shot and something went wrong since his dick is bloated like a balloon. He grabs her, throws her in the air and virtually runs her through with his cock. At the end of it, there`s her uterus with a little fetus as she was two months pregnant. He walks over to his wife, still with the bleeding daughter hanging on his cock and she takes her off, eating the fetus.
The son licks the blood off and my dog finishes what is left of the uterus. They are all very tired and the last thing dad manages to say is “So, I see you all got your lunch. I think I`ll have a burger!” He walks over to the fridge, grabs a burger, while the son is feeding off his sister`s carcass and the wife is finishing the uterus, pop a beer on the way and sits down to watch a football game. After the game is over and the daughter finally dies with her stomach penetrated and blood gushing all over the stage, the rest of the family gets up, takes a bow, kicks the dog in the ass, making it topple off the stage and into the band pit, takes another bow and gets off the stage, dragging the body of the daughter behind them, leaving a bloody trail. They all come back one last time to take our last bow.
Afterwards, the man comes down to talk to the agent. For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act, sir. What did you say your name was again?” And the father says, “Aristocrat!”
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therealgws
Cram it, Susan!
Not a Bot...
Posts: 2,393
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Post by therealgws on Dec 16, 2023 17:48:26 GMT 1
A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a dad, a mom, son, daughter and dog. The dad says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.” The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.” The father says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us. It's ruckus!” The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.” The show starts with the son and daughter playing with the dog. The dog is old and he`s missing all of his teeth, so the way they feed him is that he sucks off the son so long till the son cums and ejects his sperm into the dog`s mouth. The daughter is there to suck the son`s balls and his anus so that the son gets a little extra out of this feeding ritual as well.
After the dog is fed, the daughter gets down on all fours and licks off the dog`s saliva as the dog fucks her asshole. The house bitch comes up, singing the collected hits of KKs Priest. The second she sees the dynamic trio, she gets down on her knees and starts rubbing her old, wrinkled pussy. The daughter stops sucking her brother and moves over to her mom. She stands in front of her, pissing all over her mother`s face and naked breasts as the son fucks her in the ass. The dog is running around, licking the urine that drips all around and as the son`s cums in his sister`s ass, he crawls underneath them and licks the dripping anus.
The house bitch is now standing up and is dildo fucking her daughter from behind, as the son is fucking the house bitch in the ass. The dog is humping the son and they all move by the tune of “Mary had a little lamb“. Suddenly the son stops and grabs the mother by the throat, starting to choke her. She turns purple, then blue as her veins burst and her eyes pop out of their sockets. The daughter shrieks and runs away, only to be caught by the dad. He recently had a tetanus shot and something went wrong since his dick is bloated like a balloon. He grabs her, throws her in the air and virtually runs her through with his cock. At the end of it, there`s her uterus with a little fetus as she was two months pregnant. He walks over to his wife, still with the bleeding daughter hanging on his cock and she takes her off, eating the fetus.
The son licks the blood off and my dog finishes what is left of the uterus. They are all very tired and the last thing dad manages to say is “So, I see you all got your lunch. I think I`ll have a burger!” He walks over to the fridge, grabs a burger, while the son is feeding off his sister`s carcass and the wife is finishing the uterus, pop a beer on the way and sits down to watch a football game. After the game is over and the daughter finally dies with her stomach penetrated and blood gushing all over the stage, the rest of the family gets up, takes a bow, kicks the dog in the ass, making it topple off the stage and into the band pit, takes another bow and gets off the stage, dragging the body of the daughter behind them, leaving a bloody trail. They all come back one last time to take our last bow.
Afterwards, the man comes down to talk to the agent. For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act, sir. What did you say your name was again?” And the father says, “Aristocrat!” If you haven't yet seriously considered stand up maybe you should...
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grendel
Real-life Pokémon
Posts: 472
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Post by grendel on Dec 16, 2023 23:20:12 GMT 1
Knock knock. Who's There To. To who? To whom. 😂. I’m stealing this.
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grendel
Real-life Pokémon
Posts: 472
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Post by grendel on Dec 18, 2023 18:55:58 GMT 1
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
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Post by psychobolia on Dec 18, 2023 22:05:45 GMT 1
WTF, that's just the "big orange head" joke re-written! I want my 2 minutes back.
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